“It’s all right if you can’t remember. Our subconscious is spectacularly agile. Sometimes it knows when to take us away, as a kind of protection.” ~Kathleen Glasgow
A few weeks back, I ended up in tears while at the park. What was meant to be an ordinary summer outing turned emotional. I was taking my routine walk with my dog, Boni. The sunlight beamed down, while the tree canopies offered refreshing shade from the intense heat.
Kids were dashing about, filled with laughter, and their delight captivated me. A pair of little three-year-olds were shrieking with joy, dressed in colorful Hawaiian skirts adorned with necklaces of flowers.
Glancing to the side, I spotted an idyllic birthday gathering: tables laden with treats and beverages, vibrant balloons tethered aloft, grown-ups chatting amiably, and children frolicking in various areas.
The warm vibe instantly filled me with happiness for the child celebrating. Motivated by the sight, I pondered, “What about my own childhood birthday celebrations?”
Nothing came to mind.
To my surprise, no recollections surfaced beyond a certain point, despite my efforts. It felt like approaching a familiar location only to encounter an impenetrable barrier. Where had the path gone? Why the obstruction? Tears welled up immediately. “I can’t recall!” I repeated inwardly, overwhelmed by sadness and irritation.
As Boni led me onward, I struggled to summon those memories. “Come on, Erika, you can do it!” Yet, nothing. My final recollection of a childhood birthday party predated the physical and sexual abuse I endured. Everything afterward? A complete void. Were there parties? Likely yes. Did I enjoy them? No clue.
The core issue isn’t solely the parties themselves—I’m certain some festivities occurred—but the deep sorrow of realizing young Erika was so wounded and shattered that her mind blocked out those joyful times.
If you’ve endured trauma, you might be connecting with this now, wondering, “I understand, Erika. How do we handle it?” I hear you. The ache of missing out on experiences, forgetting key moments, or being unable to join certain discussions because your upbringing wasn’t typical or is lost to memory is profound.
Yet, I offer you encouragement. Despite the pain, it’s possible to comfort your heart and achieve inner calm. That’s precisely what unfolded for me that day upon recognizing the memory gap. I applied five key strategies from my personal healing path to navigate my feelings and restore balance swiftly.
These techniques work whenever a memory—or its absence—triggers you, or when past events weigh heavily.
1. Acknowledge the pain.
One vital lesson from my recovery is that pain demands recognition. Suppressing tears and acting unaffected leads nowhere good. I attempted that approach, resulting in prolonged anxiety and emotional numbness.
Today, I embrace the discomfort and value the tears as signals of liberation. Don’t we all seek to unload the pent-up emotions and hurt trapped within us?
I began there, validating my hurt. It might seem odd, but I conversed with myself on the spot, addressing child Erika: “I understand your pain. It hurts deeply, and it’s unfair. You didn’t merit such suffering. I see you. Express whatever you need. I’m holding space for you; I’m present.” I permitted the tears, sorrow, and mourning to flow freely.
Though processing this publicly in the park felt unconventional, the motion of walking amid nature facilitated emotional release. I’d prefer avoiding future meltdowns there, but the natural surroundings and movement proved invaluable!
2. Soothe and regulate.
Next, I focused on self-regulation. Once emotions emerged, I sought a steadier state. Expressing feelings is essential, but lingering excessively isn’t beneficial.
I employed deep, deliberate breathing to unwind, lightly stroked my arms, gently pressed my palms together, and continued strolling quietly. The emotions persisted but softened over time, with the initial panic gradually dissolving.
I may have hummed softly—a past aid for calming—so consider it as an additional tool if helpful.
3. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
Having grieved and restored bodily safety, shift to the now, as such episodes pull the mind backward, disconnecting us momentarily. That’s expected, but reclaiming presence is key—and I did just that.
Openly, I spoke to little Erika once more: “We enjoy fantastic birthday celebrations today! You’re enveloped in love, and home is secure. It’s truly wonderful!”
The key lies in demonstrating to yourself that the past is behind you.
I trust you’re in a secure place now, distant from those hardships. If not, know my empathy is with you; you’re not isolated. Survivors often revisit familiar painful dynamics, but post-trauma, you merit more. Reclaim your strength. Let this inspire seeking aid for genuine security.
You were powerless then, but empowered today. This leads to the following step.
4. Make plans for the future.
In these moments, fixation on absences, losses, or deprivations is common. Yet, this is empowerment: lacking it formerly doesn’t preclude providing it now—be it concrete like a cake or intangible like affirmation.
With agency, choose your path forward. That’s my action: I contemplated my inner dialogue, identifying immediate and ongoing needs.
Inquire what you require, and commit fully—no shame or minimization. Crave grander parties? Vibrant social connections? Ample rest? Photos at gatherings for lasting memories?
This may require time, so pose the query and welcome answers patiently. Whatever arises, fulfill it yourself now. It’s never too late for what was missed. You’re worthy!
5. Talk about it.
This is optional yet rewarding, as I’ve discovered, benefiting you and supporters. Walking Boni home, my partner awaited.
Previously, I’d internalize silently, deeming it resolved. But sharing—with nurturing people—clarifies your state. They offer aid: space, embrace, or listening.
For me, it sparked: “Your future birthdays will be epic! We’ll celebrate extravagantly, forging wonderful new memories!”
Loved ones yearn to support, so connect freely.
These steps aided me that day—and any triggered by past echoes or voids. May they serve you similarly.
You’re accompanied, and from now, transformation awaits. Past shadows may stir, but convert them to healing opportunities. Embrace inquiry, self-love, and kindness. You deserve it fully.
Here’s to crafting fresh, joyful memories in those gaps!
